The Silent Word

I will be DVR-ing Pardon The Interruption (PTI) for the next few days.

This afternoon, I was talking with my mom about Twitter, and trying to find and follow Coach K (but, as I expected, he doesn’t inhale). Because PTI cracks me up, and I was in a sports mood (i.e. following Duke) I decided–what the heck–I was going to follow the PTI Show on Twitter. Now, for someone who had only been following my friends up to this point, I was a little overwhelmed by the amount of tweets that came on when I got PTI on my update list.

So I decided to do a little tweet of my own.

I said, (and I quote) “beck_a_tron is considering un-following @PTIShow because I don’t have time to read all their tweets *and* have a life… I’m twitter-sated…”

Within about 30 seconds, I got a direct message from the PTI Show saying “Hang in there. We’ll try to take it easy on you.”

About a minute after that, Tony Reali (for the un-ESPN-literate, he’s from Around the Horn) started following me on Twitter. About five minutes after that, ten people I had never heard of before started following me on Twitter. About ten minutes after that, my “followers” list had doubled in size. The fray seems to have settled down now, so I figured it was safe to stop twitter-sitting and do a little blogging.

Since there’s a legal notice on the PTI Show Twitter page that clearly states that I surrender all legal rights to my tweets when PTIShow is part of my update (and since they mention Twitter just about every day on PTI), I figured it might be worthwhile to just record the show tomorrow, on the off-chance that I said something witty enough to warrant a mention.

Of course, that is highly unlikely, but I’m nothing if not an optimist. And apparently, also willing to waste my 15 seconds of fame on something as sad as a free mention on an afternoon sports show (or, even, their Twitter page). I wonder what they call that…

So it’s taken me awhile to get onboard the Twitter bus, the Skype bus, and the Pandora bus. I’m not usually a late-adopter. I was one of the first of my friends on MySpace and Facebook. I had an iPod before most of the kids in my youth group (I know… I used to spend too much time around kids). I was using Wikipedia before it was cool to use. But for some reason, lately, I’ll hear about these trends (specifically internet trends) and I think to myself, “nope, not gonna jump on another trend.” And I have missed the bus.

So lately, much to my initial dismay, I have signed up for Twitter, Skype, and Pandora.

Twitter was sort of a letdown. I don’t have any desire to know what Oprah, Ashton Kutcher, and Jimmy Fallon are doing with their free time, and all my friends who Twitter end up posting their status to Facebook anyway, so I’ll see what they’re up to whether I’m a Twit or not (which I do love–I love reading other people’s status updates, it makes me feel more connected to them). I generally have stopped using Twitter, even though I’m still signed up for it, and there are a bunch of people following me. I apologize to everyone who has been waiting to see what I will Twit, and I’m Twit-less. (I do, however, love to play with the verbage of Twitter… that’s the big highlight of the program for me.)

Skype has been a HUGE surprise. This was the one of the three I expected never to use. And I use it almost every day. It’s so great to be able to talk to Kristy, for instance, who moved to Baltimore and whom I will not be able to see as much as I used to, and also to be able to see my nephew live on my computer screen, growing up every day like I was living there. It’s amazing. Definitely a good move.

The best of all, however, has been Pandora. I was probably the latest-adopter of all on the Pandora bus/train. I have so much music on iTunes, I kept rationalizing staying away from Pandora by insisting I would never use it, so it was a waste of time to sign up. Wow, was I ever wrong. SInce I signed up for Pandora, I have been using it non-stop. The great part is that I don’t have to do the work creating the playlists. It does all the work for me. And I’m notorious on my iPod for making 100 playlists, and then deleting them all because I’m sick of them, and making new ones. I like novelty, even though I do like what I like when it comes to music. So I have a 90s rock channel, and a movie soundtrack channel, and all kinds of other channels. I spent all night last night just making new channels. This is feeing my Input like nothing else. New song after new song, or semi-familiar song after semi-familiar song. I get to be nostalgic and novel all at the same time. This is the best internet service ever.

So even though I was somewhat slow on the uptake, especially to Pandora, I can appreciate now why they are, indeed trends. I just hope they don’t go away. Because although I do like adopting new behaviors, I don’t like having to get rid of the behaviors I adopt. That’s part of why I don’t always jump on the internet trends–I’m afraid I’ll get hooked and they’ll disappear. But next time some big internet trend comes along, I hope I’ll come back and read this post and at least give it a try instead of holding out so reluctantly for so long, and then eventually capitulating. Although there’s really nothing wrong with being a little slow on the uptake, when it comes right down to it.

I have a very acute sense of nostalgia these days. Everything reminds me of someone or something. I was just looking outside today and thought to myself, self, we should watch North & South. I used to watch North & South every summer when I was a teenager… sitting up at my grandma’s house, watching war and romance unfold, Patrick Swayze swashbuckling at West Point and pow-wow-ing with General Lee in the Civil War. It’s a summer memory. And something about the air today just made me want to watch it.

Of course, because I’m an adult with responsibilities, I also have to do other things at the same time. And I’ll have to watch it in shifts, instead of all 15 hours in a row (or something like it). But it’s good to have these moments that remind me of my childhood (or my young adulthood), even if they are relatively corny and cheesy, and a little soap-ish. But it’s fun, and it reminds me of great times and great moments with my grandparents and Kristy and my crocheting.

I just am enjoying it for now. We’ll see how I feel once the war starts… that’s usually about when I say, “is it over yet”, and then eight hours later, it’s over. Aaah, the memories…

The MATL (Master of Arts in Transformational Leadership) at Bethel tends to attract people who already believe (or have at least been told) that they have natural leadership abilities. All of us are required to be leading ministries in order to get into the program, and we all have many leadership experiences before we get into the classroom (not to mention that as we go through the program, we have an internship where we are required to apply the things we’re learning in that classroom). So we would all (probably rightly) consider ourselves to be leaders already.

During the program, we learn a lot about leadership. We learn how to lead teams, how to be on teams that lead, how to lead organizations, how to structure leadership within organizations, how to be a communicator, how to measure results, how to take leadership responsibility seriously, and many other leadership lessons. Having a Master’s Degree in leadership is, without a doubt, about learning how to be a better leader. But not always in the way we might assume.

Possibly the hardest lesson that I’ve learned (and that many of the MATLs I’ve witnessed throughout this program have also had to learn) is how not to lead. Not in a what-not-to-do sense. But in a release-control sense. I realized this when a friend and I were having a conversation about one of the first-year students.

I was noticing how much this incoming student reminded me of myself. And my friend, who had witnessed this student leading worship in another context was noticing how he seemed like a natural leader, but how he seemed to have a hard time following. And I found myself saying, “he’s set up to learn that lesson.” Which made me reflect on the way that I learned that lesson. It was partially Bethel, partially classroom, partially situational, partially church-related. So there wasn’t one source of learning. But there seemed to be one common theme among my experience and the experience of those I know have gone through this before.

Leaders want to lead. People who have been relied on for their leadership want to lead. But they are not always needed to lead. When I am in a situation where I am not needed, how do I continue to be a leader from the second or third or fiftieth seat? Can I stand aside and let others lead, even if I think I could do it better than them?

That, for me, was the hardest lesson of leadership to learn over the last four years. How not to lead.

In all the plans I’ve been making, in all the ideas I’ve been having, and in all the thoughts that have been floating around in my head about what to do with my life for the next year, there is one thing I haven’t really considered until today, and that is space. While discussing all the things I wanted to “do” and the places I want to “go” with one of my professors today, she pretty point-blank asked me if I was planning to create any space for myself. To heal, to grow, to think. And while on a micro level, I feel like I do that a lot, on a macro level, I haven’t done that in a long time.

I want to remind myself, in the best and easiest way I can, to try to take some space in this coming time of transition–even if it’s only a transition out of school and staying in the job and place I’m in. I don’t quite know how it will all work out yet, but I do know that I am in need of some space. In need of taking time for listening and for growing and for healing. And to stop doing for a little bit. Just for a little.

So, after cadjoling from friends, I watched Walk the Line, mostly because of Joaquin Phoenix, in all honesty. And I liked it, but it mostly bored me. After watching that film, I started listening to Johnny Cash’s music, mostly because the same friends continued to cadjole me. I enjoyed it, but mostly it bored me.

So a couple of weeks ago, when Adam Lambert decided to do “Ring of Fire” during Country Week, I was anticipating being bored again. But on the contrary, I loved it! I didn’t really like the Johnny Cash’s version. And this version that I’ve linked isn’t the best version of Adam doing RoF that I’ve heard. Here’s the version I downloaded from iTunes… not live, but definitely still good. (If you can ignore the obviously teenage antics on the pictures… fans… ugh…)

Anyway, listening to this reminded me that a really creative artist can take a good song and make it better by making it their own. That is what I appreciate about American Idol. When you get someone like Adam Lambert (or Carly Smithson, or David Cook, or Alison Iraheta) who is a fresher voice to put their spin on songs, it definitely makes things come alive in a new way for me.

Apparently, Randy Travis didn’t like it… and Simon Cowell didn’t like it… but that doesn’t worry me too much. Die-hard country fans won’t like this version. But I’m not a country music fan. I loved it. I will say, though, it grows on you, anyway. As a musician, I can appreciate Johnny Cash, but country music? Not a fan.

Our campus ministry at BUMC is putting on a fundraiser this year, as it has in years past, that is mainly a night of entertainment. There’s also a silent/live auction, and we’re also serving dinner. But unlike years past, the guy who normally writes the scripts is so busy that he didn’t think he’d have time to do it. He writes scripts every week for our puppet shows (which I’ve posted video for on my blog before), and is an English professor by profession, so he’s very good at what he does.

This year, I’m writing the script for the fundraiser. I’ve written scripts before, sure, and even written full-length plays before (which this is, essentially). But I’ve never written anything quite like this before. Additionally, the audience is basically self-selecting, because they have previous experience with these fundraisers that he has written, and they come for the entertainment. So this year, things will be slightly different. We’re going to have a live band and live music, the Bible content is mixed with television content, and the voting (which has always been done before, a little like an auction) is written into the concept of the play this time. I had a lot of fun writing it, and we did a read-through of it in my writer’s group on Monday. I think it went very well. They loved it. So here’s the concept.

It’s a night of classic and reality television in the key of Biblical History. Jerusalem Broadcasting Company (JBC) has decided to add a show to their Thursday night line-up of “Survivor: Garden of Eden” and “Macedonia’s Next Top Missionary”. The test audience (which is also the real audience) watches the five pilot episodes and then votes at the end to decide which of these shows gets added to the JBC family.

So the first skit is “Gideon’s Island”, where six people have been stranded on a desert island, and one of them (Gideon) hears the voice of God calling him to be the leader of Israel. The Skipper, the Professor, and Mary Ann join Gideon, Deborah, and Lappodith in deciding whether the voice Gideon heard was really God or not, and they decide that he should put out a fleece that night just to be sure.

The second skit is “Dancing with the Minor Prophets”. Professional dancers (who are also Biblical characters) are paired up with Minor Prophets (who are also minors), and dance for three judges (who are Biblical Judges) in order to win the show. Having no dancing experience whatsoever, the Judges consistently misscore dances, much to the chagrin of the host, who is actually a dancer.

The third skit is “Samson and Son”, where the Biblical strong man is an old man who owns a junkyard with his son, Lamont. Relics of the miracles that God performed through him are strewn around the junkyard, which make him reminisce about the good-old-days, and he misses his first wife, Elizabeth, at the same time that he’s getting ready to pursue the wily Delilah. His new love interest is really only interested in learning the secret of his strength so she can sell it to the army, and will even resort to marrying Samson in order to get it.

The fourth skit is “Babylonian Idol”, where Simon, Paula, and Xerxes judge a cavalcade of Biblical characters who think they have what it takes to be the next big pop star in the Babylonian Empire. The music is all live.

The fifth–and final–skit is “The Bethlehem Hillbillies”. Granny Naomi and her daughter-in-law Ruthie May have returned to Naomi’s home (Bethlehem) after both their husbands died, because Granny’s husband left her millions of dollars, and she wants to live somewhere in style. Mr. Drysdale & Miss Hathaway, accompanied by a representative from Granny’s tribe (Boaz) go to meet them near their new house. Granny is convinced that Ruthie May needs to get married, and Mr. Drysdale is convinced that they need to find somewhere else for Granny and Ruthie May to settle down–other than next door to he and his flighty wife. Boaz, though not the first in command of his tribe, falls in love with Ruthie May, and wants to be her kinsman redeemer. But can it happen, when Willy (who *is* the kinsman redeemer) comes back from his morning fishing and sees Ruthie May’s beauty? Hmm… you’ll have to come to the show to find out.

Anyway, I had a blast writing it, and the script is completely done, now, so it’s time to be off to the races with all the rest of the work for this thing. If you’re in Bozeman and want to come, let me know. Otherwise, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers these next few weeks. Lots of work to do, still, and lots of hopes and prayers that it all turns out well!

Everyone has been asking me how I’m doing since the Duke loss. While it’s sweet, and I appreciate the care, it’s difficult for me to know how to respond to this. How am I doing? Well, physically and spiritually, I am the same as I ever was (although if you believe the research about sports-related stress, perhaps the loss has effected me physically, but we’ll never know). Mentally, as far as my intellect is concerned, I am basically normal. Apart from a random need to curse out loud that occasionally manifests itself these days, my intellect is unharmed. But my emotions. Those are another thing entirely.

There’s something very strange about the way we are emotionally connected to the things we are invested in. When I invest my hopes in Duke’s chances to make it to the Final Four and they lose out in the Sweet Sixteen, something happens to my emotions that I can’t control. Logically, I know their FF chances were not the great to begin with (although every single commentator at the beginning of the season had them in the Final Four–and some instead of UNC! Okay, so Hubert Davis doesn’t count… but still…). But when you hope for something, and you believe it can happen, and then it doesn’t… well, it’s hard to explain that emotional letdown afterwards without just saying that words can’t describe it. Because in my mind I know “it’ll be fine” and “it’s no big deal” in the bigger picture and “there’s always next year.” But seriously, if I hear those phrases right now, I will vomit huge chunks of pissed-off all over the place. Because while I may know that to be logically true, it feels like a lie. It doesn’t feel like everything will be fine, and it does feel like a big deal, and I don’t care if there will be a next year. Right now, I’m feeling extreme disappointment. And it lasts for awhile, and it may seem stupid, but it’s not.

I can’t explain why. I don’t understand how our connection to sports teams or celebrities or Jesus or any of that works. I don’t get it. I do know that I suffer from it, and I know that when things don’t work out, as they invariably don’t for all but one team’s fans every year, it effects me in a major emotional way. And I don’t want to hear the patronizing comments about how it’ll be okay and how they had a good season. The fact is, that season is over. And it’s over because they lost (big-time), and it’s a big disappointment. And even the thought that it’ll start again in six months and they’ll have another chance to make the Final Four and even win the National Championship doesn’t really make it better.

Granted, in three or four days, I will look back on all this and say, “What was wrong with me? Of course there’s always next season, even though that’s six months away right now.” And I will probably mean it. But today I don’t. And today I just wanted to capture that moment. For posterity, let’s say. The Blue Devils are the Big Disappointment for me right now. I love them, I hate them, I feel sorry for them, I feel happy for them. I feel. And for the moments in the future when I don’t feel, I’ll be able to look back and point to this moment and remember the emotions.

And then next year, when the season starts, I’ll have this to look forward to.

Or… next year, they might just win it all!! Yeah!!

There, I’m better now.

The third round of the NCAAs starts today. I wish it was last week again. Not only do I love the first and second rounds more than the next three, but I also loved the fact that it happeded during Spring Break, when all the college kids were gone, when I was off school myself, and it sorta felt like a break for me.

No such luck this week. I have worked 10-12 hours a day this week, between everything, and have been much busier than I thought I would be at the beginning of this week (for instance, when I posted about my week). I miss the carefree days of working half time and watching basketball with no homework.

Will I still try to watch as much basketball as possible? Yes. Today will be hard (which sucks because of the Duke Game), but tomorrow should be much better, minus Pub Church. So I should get to see both Kansas and Gonzaga on Friday.

I guess this just made me think that there are so many times when we really do have nostalgia for the old days, and we can recreate some of that today without a lot of effort. Obviously, we won’t be able to have *all* the old times. But we can recreate some of it. With relative success. And at least I think it won’t be an empty sham. Others may disagree.

So tonight I will watch the Duke game *and* read my Prophets homework at the same time. But I will try to take time just to watch the game if I can, and have some space to myself. Hopefully, they will win, and I’ll have a chance to recreate some nostalgia again very soon.