The Body Mosaic BLOG

I have tried not to comment on here about the election because, regardless of my personal politics, this is a public forum, and not a place for me to try to convince you to vote for the people I want to vote for. I like Barack Obama, I like Sarah Palin, I’m a social liberal and a moral conservative. I guess that makes me a lot like a lot of other people in this country. I don’t quite know where I fit in.

But there is one thing I know.

I do not like politics.

Politics, by nature, are divisive. It may seem, when all the Democrats or all the Republicans get together, that we want the same things. We all cheer when we’re supposed to, but then, we also boo when we’re supposed to. We smear our opponents. Someone isn’t experienced enough–that makes them a bad person. Someone doesn’t have the right kind of experience–that makes them a bad person. Someone makes a mistake–that makes them a bad person. Someone wants something we don’t want–that makes them a bad person.

Politics make us put things first that shouldn’t be first. We put our country first. We put our checkbook first. We put our loyalties first. We put our fear first. We put our anger first. We put our opinions first. Frankly, I’m sick of it. As much as I want to vote for Obama, I’m not going to badmouth John McCain and Sarah Palin. They deserve my respect, and (as much as I don’t want to admit it) so does George Bush. And more than my respect, they deserve my love. Even when I don’t want to give it.

Y’see, what politics does, by its nature, is teach us how to put ourselves first, and our desires first, and our opinions first. But I subscribe to something different (even though it’s hard for me), I’m not a citizen of this country. I’m an alien. It’s not my responsibility to put this country first. Or myself first. Or my beliefs first. My loyalties are not to myself, and not to this world. Because something else is supposed to be first, and someone else is supposed to be first.

I wonder who that could be? …..

In case you haven’t heard from me in awhile, I’ve been hiding a big surprise for everyone…

I’m running for president. Check out this news story:

Okay, so I wouldn’t have won best entry for “Before & After” on Wheel of Fortune for the title here, but it feels so appropriate. I am having writer’s block right now, and I don’t get writer’s block. Ever. In fact, I have a little book shaped like a block called “Writer’s Block” that my friend Jill gave me if I ever ran into a case of writer’s block, and it’s been gathering dust on my shelves for about six years. Just never had that problem.

Perhaps it’s arrogant of me to think that I would be able to escape this experience, as much as I consider myself to be a writer, and as often as I write. Hmm. I am not escaping it now.

It’s been a wonderful Sunday afternoon. I had planned to spend this entire afternoon working on…. a project…. a project I’ve been waiting for school to end so that I could work on–that king of a project. I’ve been so excited for school to be finished for the quarter so I could work on this project, and now I’ve spent the entire afternoon and evening procrastinating because I can’t write.

This is starting to scare me. I hope this doesn’t become a trend for me. Maybe it’ll be a one time thing.

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to pull out the old Writer’s Block just to see what I would get out of it, and see what kind of exercise I turn to.

Here’s what I got in my quest for random inspiration.

Pick two of the following words and write a sentence with them together. Let that be the beginning of a beautiful friendship… you and your new piece of writing. Ready? Set? Go.

exhaust      purple        thirst     book       easy       smoke        pumpkin        mermaid        nectar
river           harrow        storm    pearl      ice          change       spare             haven             melody
secret        engulf         underwater          numb      trinket       liver               morph            dream

I realized, after looking through these, and other words, they’re basically having me do a P3T with prose instead of poetry. Well, they can’t fool me. I know a P3T when I see one. So here we go. Instead of their random exercise, I’m going to pick three words and write a poem, just like I always do, and see what comes up. Maybe I’ll record it here, maybe I won’t. Either way, I guess I’ll just start writing.

Perhaps I will try this again tomorrow.

Last night, I watched the 2007 BBC version of Jane Austen’s “Persuasion” for the first time all the way through. I had seen pieces of it when it was on Masterpiece Theatre last year. It was good then. It was fantastic to watch the entirety, though.

It made me think a lot about the commonality of human experience. How there are certain things we all want, and certain things we all take for granted, and certain things that we are all afraid of. I had also been watching Law & Order earlier in the afternoon, and the episode I was watching was about this 7-year-old child who turned into a sociopath because he had been ritually molested for several years of his early life. And I was amazed, watching this movie last night, how much Ann and Wentworth had in common with this little abused, conscience-less boy. I know that sounds weird, but hear me out.

We all want love.

When we have love, we often take it for granted.

We are all afraid that the love we desire will never truly be ours.

Both of these pieces (L&O episode and Persuasion) struck me to the core with how much these people were seeking to be loved. This little boy who didn’t understand what love really was, and yet his entire existence was focused around what he wanted love to be, which was consistent and emotive, even though his therapists weren’t sure he could receive it anyway. The couple on Persuasion, similarly, each sough to be loved in their own way. Wentworth, at first, wanted the love and attention of many women, and then realizes how empty this is and how much he misses the true love that he and Ann shared. And Ann, although she is devoted to him, once he seems to be out of the picture, she tries to allow herself to be attached to another, which doesn’t work because it is similarly hollow.

When the little boy in L&O had the true love of devoted parents, he was unable to receive it because of his past. On some level, he was truly unable, and on some level, he was taking it for granted. Perhaps because he didn’t know what it really was. But when he was taken from them, he missed it. This was so sad. Ann and Wentworth had an apparently passionate and deep relationship eight years before this film started, and some persuasive friend was able to make Ann believe that love wasn’t enough. Then Wentworth goes searching for it elsewhere, unable to find it, and when he first sees Ann again, he dismisses his feelings. Then he becomes the one who takes their love for granted.

That little boy who was molested confessed his fear that people wouldn’t want to keep him. Not because he knew he was a conscience-less serial killer, but because the way he understood love was that people who say they love you never keep you, whether they really love you or not. When he’d found parents who really loved him, and they were unable to keep him, this likely cemented that for the rest of his life. But you could see in his eyes, the fear of being abandoned. The fear of having that love taken away, even the love that he was taking for granted or unable to receive.

Ann spends most of the movie afraid that Wentworth will fall in love with someone else, and systematically breaking her own heart because she thinks he no longer loves her. And when it does seem that he is unattached, she is still so seized with fear over what happened in the past, that she is almost unable to act on her own behalf to assure him of her affections. Similarly, Wentworth is afraid that she does not love him, and then when he finds out she might still love him, the object of his fear becomes her persuasiveness. Will she continue to love him if someone persuades her that he is still not a good match?

Of course, I do not believe that these movies are real, but I do believe that they reflect reality, or they would not be successful. There really is a commonality in our human experience that makes us seek after love, but also makes us fear it and take it for granted. This is really amazing, when you think about it, because the patterns of human behavior are so predictable on one level that what we need becomes readily apparent. It’s sort of amazing to me how God is able to work through this humanness, and somehow help us find the love we fear and take for granted and desire all at once. While the love we receive as humans from one another is powerful, I kept thinking, what we really need is a love that never ends.

Well, I think we all know where to find that… right?

Just some thoughts for the day.

Here are a few of the drawbacks that I have noticed to taking an extended road trip. Since I posted on all the great things, I figured–for those Restorative/Analytical types–that I should balance out all the Positivity with a glimpse into what was not as fun.

1. Apparently extended traveling either makes you retain water or some freaky thing, but my legs were so swollen when I got back (and for part of the end of the trip, right after the long driving part) that none of my shoes fit except my sandals, which of course, I couldn’t wear to my consulting job. And even now, as my feet are returning to normal size (days after returning), they look slightly weird. Of course, that weird is normal. But we all know how that goes.

2. My stomach doesn’t work anymore. Things that didn’t used to make me sick now make me really sick. I don’t know if it’s just an adjustment period, or what. But I hope that goes away. It’s like I magically became lactose intolerant. Kristy can probably identify with this. And hers went away. Maybe mine will, too.

3. I still wake up in the morning thinking I’m somewhere else. After five weeks of staying in hotels and the homes of friends across the country, I don’t ever know where I am when I wake up in the morning. That’s disconcerting, especially because I’ve been living in the same place for so long now that I know I should recognize it, but for some reason, everything looks foreign in the morning.

4. And speaking of the morning, my body clock is so out of whack… I spent at least two nights in every time zone that we have in this country over the last five weeks, and a good amount of time in either the Pacific or Eastern time zones. My body clock has malfunctioned, probably for a short time. but I’m still not sure what time it is… ever.

5. I haven’t seen my friends for ages. The friends I have here have assumed I’m not coming back, or they’ve lost touch with me… and I’ve missed our connections. It was SO great to see the old friends I got to see while I was traveling, and even to deepen a newer friendship. But it’s weird to come back and have everyone else’s life moving along without me. I have so many people to catch up with, and so much new stuff to catch them up on… I would like to have one giant party and just tell everyone everything at once. Not a good idea, though, because…

6. I have so much work to do! I put off starting a new job until mid-August that I was originally going to start in early August, and there’s so much to do, but not enough time left before major events happen. I guess this is probably my opportunity to let God teach me how to prioritize.

All in all, these are very minor drawbacks. I had such a fantastic time, and I’m just looking forward to being home and working. It’s great. Fantastic experience. Lots of great moments. Very happy to have done it. But not without its moments…

As I’ve been travelling for the last five and a half weeks and am set to head back to Bozeangeles tomorrow, I thought I’d take a few minutes and just jot down my “Best of” thoughts about these trips. Some were familiar, some were new, and all were exciting. As I head back to normal life, I wanted to remember the best moments that I spent crossing this country. So here they are, in no particular order.

Best Bed: Fairfield in Myrtle Beach, SC - not even kidding… this might be the best bed I’ve ever slept in. Soft for a couple of inches, then super firm. Great pillows. I could have slept in this bed forever.

Best View: Seacoast Inn in Long Beach, CA - our room was on the ocean, and you could see the Queen Mary (larger than life) from our balcony.

Best Road Trip: Bozeman to Lawrence, KS - in a car with my mom and my sister; we stopped at all the historical sites, saw Wall Drug in SD, and generally had fun together.

Best Breakfast: Paris, Las Vegas - this is by far the best breakfast buffet I’ve ever had. Such a huge selection of unique foods. If you ever get a chance to try this, I’d highly recommend it.

Best Lunch: Thai Subway in Lawrence, KS - this might have been the best Thai food I’ve ever had. My sister had been raving about it for years, and I sort of thought, “yeah, right…” well, she was. Right. It was amazing. It would almost be worth the trip to Lawrence to have it, a combination of the food and the experience. That made the food that much better. This place would probably win for my “best ambiance” if I hadn’t been to Earl’s.

Best Dinner: Landry’s in Myrtle Beach, SC -Holy cow. I had the Chilean Sea Bass which is a fancy-schmancy name for Patagonian Toothfish… but seriously, who would eat something called Patagonian Toothfish? It sounds like it has teeth in its flesh. Anyway, I had the Chilean Sea Bass here, with the mushroom risotto, which was up there among the best meals I’ve ever had. We tipped our server so well that he came out and thanked us for our generosity. It was fantastic.

Best Overall Food: Open Sesame in Long Beach, CA -This was an evening meal, but it by far trumped in quality and sophistication what all the others lacked. There was no part that wasn’t excellent. Every piece of this meal was expertly seasoned (and Afghani food is *not* easy to make), and completely delicious. This will be right up there with Crooks Corner on Franklin Street as one of my favorite meals of all time. This was a tiny little restaurant, and the name makes it sound Asian, but it was Afghani, and it was absolutely in my top five best meals of all time. Amazing. Can’t say enough good things.

Best Dessert: the Cupcakery in Long Beach, CA - this place does only one thing, and they do it better than anywhere I’ve ever seen. I can’t remember the name of the actual store, but I’ll try to find and post it. It was really phenomenal.

Best Finger Food: Bengali Barbecue in Disneyland - this place was a recommendation from Larry. And he was spot on about this. After recommending Damasco’s, I shoudl learn to just trust him. But we did find it, and they had this amazing bacon-wrapped asparagus that I would go back for any day of the week. Definitely an excellent meal.

Best Bread: Logan’s Roadhouse in Cleveland, TN - As soon as I saw that they had yeast rolls, I had to try one, because I adore yeast rolls. And these were absolutely the best. I kept trying to figure out what the difference was between these and my yeast rolls, so of course, I had to eat more than one.

Best Activity: Disneyland - This was my second D-land experience. I cannot wait to go back, and now that my sister lives 20 minutes away from it, hopefully I’ll get to go again while she’s down there. But seriously, happiest place on earth. Got to go with my sister and my mom. We went to California Adventureland this time. It was amazing. I get all teary just thinking about it.

Best Shopping Experience: South Coast Mall in Orange, CA (I think it was Orange… someone can feel free to correct me if they know where it is). I didn’t actually buy anything here. But it was by far the coolest place I’ve seen before. Plus, it had this paper store that might have been the coolest place like that I’ve ever shopped in before.

Best Hang-Out: Cleveland, TN - between the Aldermans and the Redmans, this was definitely the king of all hang-outs. Thanks to you all.

Best Hard Experience: Running out of gas - Denver, CO. We ran out of gas just outside of Denver, in the mountain pass, pulling a U-haul, on a 100+ degree day. It was not a pleasant experience. But it was one of the best experiences of the trip for me because it wasn’t until then that I was really convinced that I had become a different person than I was 3 years ago. I guess the saying goes that only fire can test the true strength of metal… well, only adversity can test the true strength of our transformation. And boy, did it ever. I’m not saying I was perfect under pressure, because I am not, nor was I. But I definitely saw the difference in my reactions, and the difference in my instincts. It was so cool to see that. Don’t tell my mom and my sister, because they’ll think I’m crazy. But it was worth every minute for me.

Best Vegas Experience: Paris, Las Vegas -Those of you who know me know that I am obsessed with all things French to begin with. And having everything French (in Vegas, at least) under one roof that happens to be shaped like the Eiffel Tower (!!!!!!) was like heaven for me.

Best Ride at Disneyland: Pirates, hands down. But I’m also starting to become partial to “Soarin’ Over California”. I hate to admit it, but Regis was right. It really is the most amazing thing.

Best Beach: Myrtle Beach, SC -Just love this place. It was so cool to just sit out on a beach. Even if I got a little sunburned. But Cathy will be happy to know that the sunburn didn’t last long this time.

Best Drive: Smoky Mountains in TN & NC - although it was hard to decide between this and the short (like 12 minute) jaunt through Arizona that had Grand-Canyon-like scenery. But I loved the mountains of Tennessee. They were not “mountains” like we have them in the west, but the vegetation and the driving experience was amazing. Beautiful. Especially when we took the side road (2-lane) after Asheville, NC and got to wind along with the river. Gorgeous. If you ever get a chance to drive down here, I’ve driven across the country, and this was one of the best views ever.

Best Airport: Chattanooga, TN - small, and sort of simplistic… but absolutely immaculate. Cleanest airport restrooms I’ve ever seen. Cute little place. Don’t like it as much as MSP, but it was much better than the other airports I was at this time (Atlanta, Cincinnati, Denver, Salt Lake, Bozeman). Plus, the people were so friendly. I’ve never actually struck up a conversation with a TSA in the security line, but they were all so chatty and nice. I almost wondered if they’d really checked my stuff or not.

Best Rustic Scenery: Drive between Myrtle Beach, SC and South-of-the-Border in NC. We got to drive through all these tiny towns with their old houses and barns, and pass all the fruit stands and the weird church signs and beautiful fields. Took lots of pictures here.

Best Weather: Long Beach, CA - I think I could live there. This might have been my favorite place on the entirety of the trip.

Best Restaurant Atmosphere: Earl’s Diner in Cleveland, TN - this reminded me of home. It’s the kind of place that would be on Diners-Drive-ins-and-Dives with Guy Fieri. If you’re ever here, go downtown and find this place. It’s worth the trip.

Best Book: “The Shack” by William P. Young. I will add a couple of caveats about this book. First, DON’T SKIP THE INTRODUCTION, no matter how useless you think they are. Second, If you have children, don’t read this book while your children are on vacation or out of the country. Read it when you can easily find them and hug them or tell them how much you love them if you need to. You probably will. If you have any tragedy in your past, read the book jacket first so you know what happens in the first 80 pages (and skip to page 81 if you want to skip all the really hard stuff, but make sure you read the preface/introduction first). But if you can manage it, this was one of the most powerful and profound books I’ve ever read. Don’t be afraid to cry.

Best Recommended Book: “QBQ” by John Miller. Seriously, I know I’m not supposed to recommend this book to people, but it was such a short read, and so profound. Definitely worth the hour it’ll take you to get through.

Best Music Find: “Citizen of the Planet” from Alanis’s newest CD. I know some of you are probably like, “Alanis-Shmalanis”, but I just fell in love with this song. And oddly enough, it’s about traveling.

Best Advice: “don’t be afraid of your success” ~Cathy

Best Quote: “I don’t live by the Golden Rule, I live by the Platinum Rule. ‘Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.’” ~Jennie M. - this also wins for best HR comment

Best Part About Leaving Home: COMING HOME!!!

I was talking to a friend yesterday about facing fear. And after delivering a speech about how we need to face the feeling of fear head on and feel it and experience it and then release it, I must have been feeling self-righteous about my ability to do this, because today it was put to the test.

I have an irrational fear of not being able to see things, or of having to do things where I can’t see. Heavy rain, heavy fog, clouded water, dark and unfamiliar places. There are very few things I’m afraid of, and apparently, I have conquered (or been healed of) my fear of germs. But this fear holds on.

So I went to the beach today with a dear friend who loves the whole beach experience. She loves sitting in the sun and going in the ocean and walking on the beach and soaking up the air. Basically, she loves everything about the experience. And I know how much I am afraid of things I can’t see, and how being in the ocean can terrify me, but I still want to go to the beach. And I manage to convince myself, up until I had to step in the water, that I wasn’t afraid.

Unfortunately, I had done a bunch of research recently on jellyfish and found that we were going to be in Myrtle Beach during peak jellyfish season. And I read all about the experience of being stung, and what works and what doesn’t, why you shouldn’t be peed on (despite what we all saw on Friends, and other things. Size, color, shape, types, habits… everything.

So I have compounded this fear of not being able to see with a full 3-D technicolor picture in my head of what I’m convinced is under the surface of that murky water, and as I approach the water’s edge, I’m starting to freeze up. The words I said to my friend yesterday start to ring in my head, along with visions of jellyfish… although I would have preferred sugarplums. I had explained to her that fear is an emotion, and our emotions are healthy for us to feel. Feeling fear, I said, shouldn’t keep us from doing things that we want or need to do. Just feel the fear, and on the other side is peace.

Well, those words were starting to sound pretty hollow as I approached this ocean of darkness with what I was convinced were millions of tiny creatures swimming around trying to hurt or kill me. But for some reason, I just allowed myself to feel the fear, and accept it, and do what I wanted to do, which was accompany my friend into the Atlantic Ocean.

I did not get stung by a jellyfish, even though I was afraid I would, and even though I easily could have. I did not get hurt by anything frightening, even though I could have, and even though I was afraid I would. I learned through this experience that my fears are not based on what has happened before, but on what might happen. And I don’t want to let what “might” happen stunt my life anymore.

As I look back on my life, there are a lot of things I decided not to do because I was afraid or convinced of what might happen. And even sitting on that beach, I was playing over and over in my head all these possibilities. What I needed to do was get out of the chair and walk in the ocean. If I get stung, I’ll recover. If I don’t, I’ll die. Life goes on. Not to be morbid. But to be realistic. Whatever I’m afraid of–the pain, the uncertainty, the failure–it pales in comparison to the range of human experience.

I never want to sit on the beach again. From now on, let’s go in the ocean.

Finally, we made it home. Unfortunately (for I would have much preferred Chris’s route along the 101), we took I-15 all the way back, went through Vegas, SLC, Pocatello, West, and then to Bozoland. It took two days of very hot driving, but we’re back.

The day before we left, we went to Disneyland, which *is* the happiest place on earth. Went on Pirates about a hundred times (love that ride) and tried “Soarin Over California” for the first time. It was fantastic. Can’t wait to go again. My mom went on Splash Mountain and loved it. I passed on that this time. Too much food in my stomach, didn’t want to hurl. Anyway, went on a bunch of rides, walked around all day, stood in line a little bit, and had some great food. (Thanks for the recommendation of the Bengali Grill, Larry… great idea.) But the highlight for me was definitely the Fireworks.

My Positivity was so stroked by the fireworks this year. For those of you who don’t speak “Strengths”, Positivity gets fed by positive things, by hope. My Strengths Coach described Positivity as an unlimited capacity and desire for hope. I think that was the best way to describe it, myself. So I use that all the time when I talk about Positivity. I think I figured out that part of the reason (maybe a lot of the reason) I love Disneyland so much is that I have pretty high Positivity. {It’s about #8… depending on which test you count, higher once in awhile… showed up in my top 5 a couple of times… do not ask how many times I’ve taken that test… :-)}

Disneyland is all about dreams. It’s all about happiness. It’s all about the uplifting things in life. And dreams, to me, are all about hope. As I listened to Julie Andrews talk about how “Disneyland is a place where dreams can come true” and how we all want our dreams to come true, I could almost feel my Positivity getting tagged by that. I cried through the better part of the fireworks show. Not out of sadness, but just an overflow of hopeful emotion. Positivity wants people to dream, and wants those dreams to come true. That’s part of hope. When Christians talk about hope like it’s something far off in the stratosphere, I get a little frustrated, because most of us want to be able to hope for something on this earth. And I feel like that’s part of what Disneyland offers me. Not the fulfillment of my hopes (I’m not blaspheming, I promise). But the solid belief in the potential of those hopes to be fulfilled. Disneyland is, after all, a place where dreams and hopes are encouraged and given flight. As hollow as that might sound, there’s just something in the air in that place–like anything is possible.

And I love that feeling.

Finally arrived in Long Beach today at about 3:00. Unloaded the u-haul (hideous thing), and got rid of it. Everything about that u-haul was a nightmare, including turning it back in.

But… the great thing about baggage… once you’re rid of it, you feel so much better about life, it’s as though you have a whole new life. It was fantastic. All of a sudden, we could make sharp turns again, and park in normal parking spaces, and drive wherever we liked, and not worry about the car overheating (not that it would here, the weather is amazing–30 degrees cooler than it was in Vegas). It really was like a whole new trip emerged. I just loved it. I think we all loved it, honestly.

Because we were rid of the u-haul, we were able to go to a trendy little Lebanese restaurant tonight called “Open Sesame” on Ocean. It was phenomenal. It might have replaced Crook’s Corner as my favorite meal of all times. I had the most incredible Chicken Tawook. And my sister had this impeccably seasoned Lamb kabob. Fantastic! It really was one of the best meals of my life.

So amidst all the horrors of this trip, we’ve had some superb food. The Vietnamese rolls at “In-gred-ient”, the French toast at “Miltons”, the bisque at “Le Provencal”, the crepes at “Paris-Vegas”, and now the chicken and lamb at “Open Sesame”. It’s sort of amazing, when I think about it, that in the midst of this horrific trip was a secret wonderful world of food. One might say that at least there should be one bright spot, another might say that good food doesn’t make up for all the crap we’ve had to go through. I say it was worth it. The bad experiences were worth it, and not just because the food was so good. I really feel like I’m going to emerge on the other side of this trip as a better person, as well. At least, I hope so.

If not, I might say that this wasn’t worth it, no matter what the food.

For now, I’m just really excited about extolling the praises of “Open Sesame”! I’m sure there’ll be more notes from the culinary trail soon. We’re going to a famous cupcakery tomorrow, and hopefully to this seafood place tomorrow night. And then, Disneyland. Finally, we’re on the vacation part of the vacation. So look for more tales of food. For now, I remain, just pleasantly surprised.